


don't give it a hand, offer it a soul

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [32]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fantastic Racism, Heat Stroke, Hurt Loki, Hurt/Comfort, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki's a goddamn mess, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Self-Hatred, but mostly hurt I mean, look at all those Loki tags, that's the kind of trash I am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:36:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5162462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summer in Avengers Tower, and the living ain't easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't give it a hand, offer it a soul

**Author's Note:**

> Someone asked for Loki with heatstroke and I kind of ran away with it? Well actually they asked for Loki with heatstroke saying a lot of really sincere things to Steve and he has to leave the room, and I kind of ran away with that. And made it sad, because that's what I do. I'm sorry. 
> 
> This fic is set...somewhere between "This Is My Kingdom Come" and "Collapse the Light Into Earth" in the larger Remember This Cold timeline. Before Steve and Loki move out, obviously. 
> 
> The title comes from "It Will Come Back" by Hozier, which I highly recommend listening to with Steve/Loki in mind if you want to be upset.

Avengers Tower was miserable.

It was just their kind of luck, Steve reflected, that would cause the air conditioning to break down on what people were already calling the hottest day on record. It didn’t help that all those windows were  _fantastic_ for the view, but in this weather it was like being in a greenhouse.

Thankfully, there were sub-basements. But Steve wasn’t going to leave Loki trapped in sweltering heat on his own.

For once, he took the elevator instead of the stairs. He just didn’t quite have the willpower to do eleven flights in this weather.

He knocked lightly on Loki’s door once he reached it. “Loki? I’ve come to liberate you from the heat.” No answer, to Steve’s surprise, and he felt a little touch of worry, but maybe Loki was just down the hall and not listening. Or using the tile in the bathroom to cool off.

He let himself in. Somehow the door was always unlocked for him, but Tony told him he couldn’t even get it open with help from JARVIS. “Loki?” He repeated, and there he was, lying on the couch in the nude. Steve closed the door hurriedly as though someone would see (or as though Loki would be bothered, he seemed to have very little shame about who saw him naked). Loki raised a hand to wave at him languidly.

“Cap-tain,” he said, both syllables carefully enunciated. “Thought I might’ve…heard your voice.” Steve’s momentary relief vanished in the face of concern. Loki sounded…strange. If he didn’t know better, Steve might’ve thought he was drunk.

“Are you all right?” Steve asked, moving toward the couch. Loki’s hand dropped.

“Mmm – maybe not.” His head lolled limply back and forth, eyes closing. “I do not feel very well.”

Steve’s worry deepened and as he looked at Loki he realized what was odd. In this weather he should have been glistening with sweat. His skin was dry.  _Maybe he’s working some magic,_ Steve thought, but he already knew that wasn’t it even as he reached down to feel Loki’s forehead. Loki pushed feebly at his hand. “Noo,” he said. “S’too hot for touching,” and Steve let him turn his head away, guess confirmed.

“JARVIS,” he said, already moving toward the refrigerator. “Can you…” but he wasn’t sure what to ask. Bruce was out of the country, as was Thor, and Steve wasn’t sure how much help the others would be. Heatstroke. Loki had  _heatstroke._ There was only one cold pack in the freezer but Steve took it and returned to Loki, putting it on his forehead. Loki squirmed, face crumpling up.

“Loki,” Steve said, making his voice firm. “How long have you been feeling badly?”

“I don’t know,” Loki said, blearily. “A while?”

Steve squeezed his eyes closed. “You didn’t call anyone?” And Steve had just left Loki up here like a dog in a car. Loki hummed and closed his eyes. His breathing was shallow and fast, Steve noticed, and it was so  _hot_ in here. He needed to get Loki to a cool place, get his core temperature down…

Loki smiled vaguely at Steve, though it looked strained. “I forgot I could,” he said.

Steve wasn’t sure what that meant and decided it was more important to get out of Loki’s suite – which was  _sweltering._ His shirt was already soaked and he’d barely been here ten minutes – but Loki should have been able to tell he was overheating before it got to this point and taken a cold shower or bath or  _something._

“Okay,” he said to himself, and crouched down to pick Loki up. “Loki,” he said, sliding his arm behind his back and under his knees. “We’re going to go somewhere else. Somewhere  _cooler._  All right?”

“Mmm,” Loki said, which Steve decided to take as agreement. He braced himself and lifted Loki with a quiet  _oof_  and started toward the door. He made it two steps before Loki made an unhappy sort of noise that was all the warning Steve had before he threw up, mostly on himself.

“Oh, Loki,” Steve said, trying to move faster, but Loki was like dead weight in his arms.

“Too hot,” Loki mumbled plaintively, panting a little.

“I know,” Steve said, moving down the hall to the elevator. “I know. Just a little longer.” He hit the button to call the elevator several times and shuffled them both inside, using his knee to push the button for the subbasement.

“Feel sick,” Loki said. “Weak. I’m so…weak. Can’t even take a little heat.”

Steve’s arms were starting to tire and he set Loki carefully down on the carpet as the elevator started to descend. “You’re not weak,” he said firmly. “It’s the hottest day on record today. Everyone’s miserable.”

“Should be able to endure,” Loki mumbled. “True warrior of Asgard – nnnh.” He took several shallow, panting breaths. “Going to – going to be sick again.”

“Loki,” Steve said worriedly, but though Loki’s shoulders heaved he didn’t vomit again, just wavered, swaying. Steve shifted to support him, willing the elevator to go faster. “You’re not weak,” he tried again, but Loki didn’t seem to hear him.

The elevator stopped, finally, with a quiet  _ding_ and Steve picked up Loki again and stepped out into the basement Tony had set up as a kind of concrete walled rec room. Tony turned from where he was talking to Clint and his eyes widened. “What the-“

“He’s got heat stroke,” Steve said, interrupting. “Is there a bathtub down here? Cold packs? I need to get his temperature down.”

“Shit, what?” Tony said. Clint looked like he didn’t know what to do.

“Heat stroke?” he said. “Hasn’t he just been inside lounging around?” Natasha stood up from where she was sitting on the back of the couch and climbed down, frowning.

“Jesus,” Tony said again. “Yeah – down the hall, in the bathroom.” He was staring openly, and Steve wanted to shield Loki from his gaze, half expecting him to snap. Looking down at Loki, though, his eyes were barely open and his breathing was even shallower. Steve swore and headed for the hallway.

“I’ll go get some cold packs,” Natasha said. Steve didn’t look back. He maneuvered Loki into the bathtub and started running the water, as cold as it would go. Loki jerked when it hit his legs, eyes flickering open again.

“Cold,” he said vaguely. “Steve – don’t let them have me.”

“No one’s going to hurt you,” Steve said, trying to sound reassuring. “You’re perfectly safe.” He felt the water again, hoping it was cold enough, hoping Natasha got back soon with the cold packs. He used some of the water already in the tub, splashing it up over Loki’s chest to wash some of the vomit off.

“They’re going to take me away,” Loki said, his head lolling back limply. “I can’t…can’t.”

Natasha returned then, arms full of cold packs. “Torso,” she started. “And-”

“Head, neck, and groin. I know.” Steve took them, lifting Loki’s head to put one of the packs under his neck.

“And an energy drink,” Natasha said, pushing it into his hand.

“Thanks, Tasha,” Steve said. Loki squirmed when Steve pressed one of the cold packs over his groin, still breathing unsteadily in quick bursts. “Can you…” He trailed off, not sure how to ask her to clear out, knowing how much Loki would hate anyone seeing him like this but not wanting to sound ungrateful.

“I’m out,” she said. “If you need help…”

“I’ll call,” Steve said, turning back to Loki, who looked like he was barely hovering in consciousness. “Loki,” Steve said, pressing the last cold pack to his forehead and shutting off the water. “How do you feel?”

Loki’s eyes cracked open a fraction. “Steve,” he said blearily.

“Right here,” Steve said, trying to smile. Loki’s eyes focused on him slowly.

“The jotnar,” he said. “It’s why – why I am so weak.”

“You’re not,” Steve started to object automatically, and then realized what Loki was saying. Of  _course_ he couldn’t tolerate heat. If he came from a people who lived on an ice world – that just made  _sense._ “That doesn’t make you weak,” he said more vehemently, suddenly wondering who the  _them_ Loki had referenced earlier was.

“Even when – even when I do not look  _wrong_ their taint shows through,” Loki went on. Steve wasn’t sure he’d heard at all. “Even hidden in Aesir skin-” He made an odd sort of hiccupping noise and Steve thought he was going to heave, but it seemed to pass. “I can’t…escape it.”

“Loki,” Steve said, but broke off and swallowed, shifting the cold pack on Loki’s forehead. What was he supposed to  _say?_ “You don’t need to escape. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“You are kind,” Loki said. “But you are also wrong.” His eyes closed again. “You have never had – this poison in you. That I can’t get out. Cannot – escape. Can only feel it rotting away from within.” Loki licked his lips and Steve remembered the energy drink. He uncapped it and pulled the cold pack off Loki’s forehead, balancing it on the edge of the tub while he brought the bottle to Loki’s lips.

“Here,” he said, “you need to drink something.” Loki turned his head away, though.

“No,” he said. “No, I don’t want – you deserve better. You should have better but you have shackled yourself to me and I do not understand.”

“Loki, you need to drink,” Steve repeated, though his heart was aching. He moved the bottle to where Loki had moved his head and tipped it so it wet Loki’s lips. With that much, Loki’s resistance cracked and he swallowed eagerly. Steve pulled back when he took a breath. “Hold on, slow down,” he said. “I don’t want you to throw up again.”

Loki’s head fell back and he nodded vaguely. Steve took a breath. “I want you to listen to me-”

“Do you know – do you know what I felt when one of them touched me and my skin changed,” Loki said. His throat bobbed visibly. “Disgust. Disgust and then  _fear_ and I wished, I wished it had simply run me through.” Loki shook with something it took Steve a moment to recognize as silent laughter, and now  _he_ felt sick.

(A part of him wondered, awfully, if Loki had known what was happening and had chosen – but he couldn’t go too far down that road.)

“You can’t – can’t know what it is to be a monster, to know – to  _know_ something in you is wrong. And then to have that confirmed-” Loki twitched, shuddered. Steve put the cold pack back on his forehead.

“You’re not a monster,” he said. “I  _know_  that.”

“You cannot be certain of that.” Loki’s pupils were still too large but he seemed to be getting more lucid, and when Steve felt the skin of his face it seemed like maybe he was starting to cool. “I  _know._ ”

“Drink some more of this,” Steve said, his stomach churning violently. He wanted to tell Loki to stop talking but he was afraid Loki would think Steve was upset with him and he wasn’t, not exactly. Loki took gulped more of the energy drink, but the minute he pulled away he was off again.

“I know what I am,” he said, voice raw. “I always – know what I am. And I hate it. I want it to  _die._ I want it to suffer but I can’t get rid of it, can’t ever be free of the _filth_ in me.” Loki’s hands lifted like he was going to claw at his chest and Steve hurriedly set the energy drink aside to grab his wrists before he could.

“Loki,” Steve said urgently. “You’re not –  _none of that_ is true and I don’t – you’re not-” He didn’t have the words. He knew, had known, that Loki hated himself but that was different from hearing it like this, from Loki, in ways he would never say if he weren’t half delirious but that had to be in his head all the time.

He needed air. His chest felt tight and he could feel his eyes starting to sting.

“You only don’t hate it,” Loki said, voice almost gentle, “because you don’t know any better.”

Steve thought for a moment he was going to throw up. He stood up, almost stumbling. “I’ll be – I’ll be right back,” he said. “I’ll-”

He didn’t quite run out of the room, but it was close. He made it a few steps down the hall before he stopped, slumping with his back to the wall and breathing hard, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Too much. It was too much and he couldn’t reach into Loki’s head and fix everything that was mixed up in there.

Steve dropped his hands from his face and squeezed his eyes closed.  _You can’t leave Loki alone. He has heatstroke._ He took a couple deep breaths and made himself walk back into the bathroom. Loki’s eyes opened but he looked a little clearer now, just tired.

“I am sorry,” he said. “I should not…speak of such things.”

“That’s not it,” Steve said, sinking back down next to the tub. “It’s not your fault. It’s just…” Steve shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

“Isn’t it?” Loki still sounded weary, and sick. Steve picked up the cold pack and put it back on his forehead.

“No,” he said softly. “It isn’t.”


End file.
